“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with darkness of other people.” – Carl Jung
I was talking to friend of mine who is going through a personal life crisis right now, talking to her made me realize how cruel people can be. How a person who is already going through a crisis of her own even after telling explicitly, was manipulated then judged and then left. After, listening to her, I felt so much anger and I could understand how she must be feeling right now. Losing the will to live, to move forward. This girl, has lost faith in human beings and ability to trust anyone. All she wanted was a friend what she got was not what she deserved.
I am going to write her story as 1st person, as she told me.
I have had few relationships in the past, but I relasied in my last relationship that I was never in love with the pervious ones. The last one was the one I loved, I loved him more than anyone else, I know that as I asked him to marry me and he turned me down. I couldn’t gather the courage to do the same with anyoe else. It hurted me like my heart is being ripped off from my chest. I had physical pain in that area for so many days. I couldn’t sleep for weeks altogether.
As, we had a long standing friendship before the relationship, we decided to stay friends. But, while talking to him, I realsied, he was not the same person anymore, he was not the person i befriended 3 years back. He threw, 2 and half year of friendship just to sleep with me. It was his idea to be in a relationship with me, and I warned him, that don’t take my only friend away from me, but he insisted and i gave in. When he left, I was devastated. They say, “love doesn’t cost a thing“, but I disagree because falling in love with the wrong person could cost you everything. It cost me my everything.
I took a month, yes, I know this is short, had I taken any longer I would have slipped into depression. I cried for a whole month, cried to sleep. One day it so happened, I couldn’t cry anymore even if i wanted to, not even a single tear came out of my eye. This, was the day I knew, I was healed.
This day onwards, I decided, to keep myself busy and make new friends. So I started contacting my old friends for meetings and all.
So, I met this guy from school, never talked in school as I was an introvert. Looks like a nice guy in his profile pictures at-least. Met once, after that no call from him. I casually texted him, hi how are you types. The conversation goes like this:
Me: dude don’t take any wrong signals, I came to meet you as a friend.
He : why are you saying so? I know a lot about people and I can tell that you like me.
Me: Ya, I like you, but right now I don’t want anything more than friendship.
The conversations goes on and we talked on the phone and he convinced me that we are in a relationship. Then we started exchanging messages and calls. Like, every guy, he needed all kinds of favours. Being in a relationship, I said okay. When I am in a relationship, I am either in or out, there is no halfway. Then, suddenly one day, he calls and we plan to meet up again. This meeting could not happen due to misunderstandings. Then again, long pause of 15 days. Then, I called him. No answer. No call backs. I messaged him, need to talk. Reply, I will talk when I want to talk. I was like who is he? Am I his beck n call girl? This message irritated me for so many days. I messaged him again and we broke off on a very bad note.
The next day, he messages me. I replied to him that I will not be bothering hi again. He calls back in the evening. He said, he is not ready to get emotionally attached. When he was not ready to be emotionally attached, what was this relationship for? Fun? Why did you force me to be in a relation, when I said I don’t want to? We are back to friends (for me) and friends with benefits (for him). And, I was blamed and labelled as psycho.
Started talking, everything is going fine, till we meet again. This time when we meet, he start making advances towards me. At first I am confused, what does he wants. But then, I play along. We made out. Again, after this, no calls. This time even I don’t call him, as i realise this kind of arrangement is not what I want. I told him, this is not what I want as I am not this kind of a girl and after knowing he doesn’t want emotional attachment I can’t do this. Again, I was blamed, I told you not to do this and all, you wanted this kind of stuff. I took the blame.
Yes, I was at fault. I realised many things, viz:
- I called in to meet. A girl should never do that, it makes you appear desperate.
- Every time, I called/messaged him. I came out as needy. Yes, I was needy for a friend.
- I did what he wanted. He labelled me as slut.
I have decided not to make efforts to make a friend. Whosoever, belongs to in my life will come along and be there. All this while I made efforts, because I didn’t want to regret later that I didn’t make efforts to save the relationship, which could turn out to be something long lasting. But I was wring. Right relationships, falls on track on their own. These many efforts are not needed. I was making too many efforts. All I needed was a friend. I have decided to let go. But the pain will always remain in my heart of being misunderstood.
You and I will always be Unfinished Business.